Volume 50 Issue 4 - April 2012 : Others

Marriage vows such as “till death do us part,” “in sickness and in health,” and “for better or for worse,” have pretty much lost their plain meanings, it appears. In a patriarchal society such as Botswana, where the domination of women by men is entrenched, women, particularly career women, are usually accused of relentlessly breaking these vows. Kutlwano magazine went out in search for the truth.

Typically when a young man graduates from university some of the things they aspire to find is a well paying job, own a suburban house, marry a beautiful and witty career woman.

However, nowadays it seems the desire to get married is slowly but surely being expunged from the list owing to, among others, spousal infidelity and financial problems.

While “Till death do us part” plainly means that no divorce will take place as long as either one or both of partners live, today one can be forgiven for imagining that it is the death of marriage itself that is implied by this kind of promise.

Gradually the definition of marriage as the union of a man and a woman making a permanent and exclusive commitment
to each other and naturally consummated by bearing and rearing of children together, seems to be losing its meaning.

As can ever be expected in a society that gladly accepts the domination of women by men, women are the usual suspects when it comes to accusations of marriage wrecking.

In that respect the ideal career woman has been tagged the highest enemy of marriage or a factor in the escalating rate of divorce in society.

However, many professional women Kutlwano magazine interviewed hold a different view. “A woman’s professional career should not be used as an excuse for marriage failure because we do not take our job titles home,” says a certain career woman who wished to remain anonymous.

According to her, there are career women with successful marriages. “We can be mothers and wives at the same time,” she says.

It is important to note that most liberal women preferred anonymity, citing a backlash given men and society’s negative perceptions and stereotyping of women. Therefore, it was not easy doing this article due to their reluctance to speak.

However, anonymity and reluctance aside, such women are generally of the view that men always feel insecure and would not want women to be empowered. As such, men should deal with their cowardice before making any conclusions about career women, they say.

Meanwhile, newspaper columnist and a lecturer at the University of Botswana, Log Raditlhokwa, says the issue is complex and borders more on spirituality. Therefore, treating it lightly will not take society anywhere.

Raditlhokwa believes that God is an integral part in marriage. “When people get educated they develop a spirit of pride which is the enemy of marriage,” he posits.

According to the columnist, many of the issues that couples face today do not warrant divorce. However, since career women are economically independent they tend to be impatient solving problems hence opt for divorce instead, he says.

He explains that people cannot use their Degrees or Masters Degrees to run successful homes but require
the wisdom of God as the marriage institution is the will of God that needs his guidance.

Contrary to some women’s views, Raditlhokwa avers that men still prefer women who are educationally and economically empowered. Notwithstanding, he is quick to point out that men expect such women to be submissive to their husbands as stated in the Bible.

“A career woman should know that a husband and wife consult and respect each other. Making decisions alone does not demonstrate that one is a career woman but rather a spirit of division and you cannot build a home by doing that,” he says.

He says today both career women as well as the jobless are equally rebellious and proud, something
that does not allow them to ask for forgiveness whenever they err.

Raditlhokwa points out that 95
per cent of people do not understand marriage, adding that some married women lose focus once they get promoted at work and develop a feeling

for a man of a higher status.
This, according to the lecturer, usually results in such women neglecting their husbands. “This indicates how materialistic some career women are. Funny enough, some of them even pick younger and poorly resourced men because they no longer want binding relationships,” he says.

This latest trend which demonstrates the lack of self-respect on the part of some women, regrets the columnist, clearly shows that such women never for a moment consider how their children, relatives, and colleagues feel about their actions. Unfortunately, after some period of

toying around with younger men such women are left frustrated and alone. “Until the spiritual blindness in them is lifted, small things will continue to divide families,” opines Raditlhokwa.

Dineo Saleshando, a senior employee of Standard Chartered Bank, defines a career woman as a woman who is married or single, with a university Degree or higher, and is pursuing a career to make a living for personal advancement, rather than being a house wife.

A typical career woman herself, Saleshando believes that the concept of ‘career woman’ came into being at a time when women were expected to marry and become housewives at the same time.
The married mother of three, says that numerous research projects on marriage show that career women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat, and less likely to have children.

A closer look at each
of the variables indicates that cheating for instance, happens because the home environment has presented an opportunity for that, including lack of love, lack of respect, and financial instability, she observes.

However, Saleshando views things differently. “In my own observation such a conclusion can apply across all contexts such as gender, race, religion, and culture,” she opines. Therefore, there is no basis for a conclusion that says career women are more likely to cheat, she argues.

The modern work environment has evolved to accommodate a career woman, including maternity leave and time off for breastfeeding mothers.

Whilst she acknowledges that maternity leave and nursing can
delay one’s personal advancement, an ambitious career woman can make it otherwise. For instance, Salesando says she gave birth to three children during the course of her career, the latest as recent as September 2011, “and yet
I am on course with my career,” she points out.

She is confident that were a new survey to be carried out, the findings will certainly indicate that some women actually earn more than their male counterparts yet they take pride in their financial independence, as well as contributing meaningfully to the welfare and wealth of the family.

In difficult situations, she says, women have the option of engaging the services of professional tutors and teachers for the daily management of their children’s school work.

However, she points out that it does not mean that such women are abdicating their responsibilities. Instead, mothers still have a major role to play such as teaching their children social and life skills, including good mannerisms, acceptable behaviour, culture, and good communication.

Regarding suggestions that work environment provides potential partners, Saleshando says such a conclusion has no justification, unless it predisposes that women do not select their partners carefully and meaningfully. “My genuine belief is that women meet their potential partners at places of common interest, which means couples often share the same interests, and are trusting of each other,” she quips.

She believes most marriages are solemnised at places of worship, the significance of which cannot be underestimated. She finds that men and women often have intellectually stimulating discussions in their homes. As such, why would there be a reason to be looking!

She is convinced that it does
not necessarily follow that a career woman will have a rocky relationship or marriage. “Personally, I have now been in a successful marriage for
10 years my career advancement notwithstanding,” she says, adding that many factors have influenced the stability in her marriage.

For her, a woman’s career advancement is not reason enough for marriage failures. A career woman relies on a balanced life to achieve both professionally and in marriage. Women have the gift of strength, and therefore, can build a harmonious balance between different roles that they play.

Women are much more determined to build stable families than ever before. As such, in Saleshando’s opinion, women are now leading from the front in ensuring the success of their marriages.

“I, therefore, encourage all young women out there, who are actively pursuing their careers whilst married, to find an equilibrium in their lives, whereby they are able to serve their families and communities, love their husbands, spend time with friends, and have time for spiritual connectedness,” advises Saleshando.

Dineo Saalale, a manager at RIIC,
is another successful career woman who shared her views with Kutlwano magazine. Although she says she is now separated from her husband, her story corroborates that of Saleshando.

Saalale says what distinguishes
a career woman from others is that she has her own means of financial support. Otherwise a career woman is just the same as other women in many respects.

For her, a career woman has advantage to choose her own partner and on average will marry her ideal man though at a later stage unforeseen circumstances may turn the whole affair upside down.

Without denying the fact that the rate of divorce regarding career women is high as compared to unemployed women, she says the former value eminent and fulfilling marriages and so will be less tolerant of certain issues.

She is comfortable with a marriage encompassing two career partners and feels that there is hardly any stability in a marriage with only one working partner.

“It is easier for the partners to complement each other to avoid outside ‘temptations,” posits Saalale, adding that career women are not enemies of marriage provided they balance their careers with their family life.

However, some men tolerate career women, except the conservative
ones who still regard the kitchen as
a woman’s place. Such men are the enemies of marriage, observes Saalale.

According to her, words such as ‘you complete me’ might sound romantic, but in all honesty, she does not want to be with someone who feels they need her to be a whole person.

Someone who is half a man and needs a woman in order to be his better half is not acceptable to her. “If I am his better half, how does the half that is him look like?” quizzes Saalale.

Coming back to the crux of the topic, she feels that women have outpaced men in acquiring education, something that seems to intimidate men.

She deems the root cause of the problem is lack of devotion by one of the partners, something that will most likely result in divorce.

She believes cheating does not happen to those with Degrees, saying there are a number of house wives out there who cheat on their husbands while some career women respect their marriages.

 Instead, unions are agreed on are based on numerous reasons hence the very cornerstones that a marriage ought to be built on are not the same. Men are not necessarily getting married for reasons their forefathers married for and the same can be said about women.

A relationship in Maphanyane’s view is not a competition, it is about two people coming together wanting the best for each other and playing a role in realising each other’s dreams.

Of course, one cannot have everything and this
is where compromise comes in, being involved in a nurturing, supportive, respectable union even when chips are down, knowing that differences are normal and can be worked through, knowing when to let go and when to fight for what is good for the partnership.

“Men should understand their women. It does
not mean when a woman expresses her displeasure, she is being disrespectful or belittles her spouse, it means being adult enough to be honest with oneself, about what works and what one wishes for but it seems relationships are not really about two people anymore,” she says.

The Multichoice spokesperson says couples listening to outsiders will have sympathetic relationships since there will be more people making the choice to either part ways or not marry at all.

“Any party that finds themselves in a relationship that does not honour or cherish, despite efforts to make things right, that party has every right to make a choice to leave. No amount of money can buy you happiness,” concludes Maphanyane.

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