Volume 52 Issues 11&12 (November-December 2014) : Reality Hub

“….he loves me…he loves me not….” As a little girl back in the days, the chant will be coupled with yanking petals from a flower, as you try to gather whether the guy you fancy feels the same. 

Even this childish game could never truly prepare you for the truth that lay deeply rooted in the heart of the one you cared for… who either kept their mutual feelings to themselves and left you burning with curiosity…. Or the one who couldn`t in the least be bothered how you feel, for his heart belonged to another.

A question many women still ponder upon, especially when only hints have been thrown around, yet not sufficient enough to clearly draw a definite conclusion as words would, to convince a woman`s heart that the one her heart seeks after feels the same, or otherwise.

Many have been there and done that, they could write ‘the` book, sing the songs and play the drums…because they were left forlorn, puling petals from a flower and chanting a melancholy at the valley of undefined love.

You may find yourself having been in a relationship for years and never for a moment has the relationship been defined. Yes your partner remembers your birthday, takes you out sometimes and a candle lit dinner once in a while, and throws you in a love booth that makes you believe that he loves you.

Yet all of this may not seem enough still because at the back of your head you are still wondering if he loves you or not. And because your bare left hand reminds you of a commitment he never made to you even after  15years of being together,  you should ascertain how much you mean to him and then if you are still picking at the petals of the flower….then that is a red flag. 

Look at your interests, your dreams…and desires whether there is a mismatch or a match...dig deep beyond what appears on the surface to see if the love is genuine and indeed reciprocated and then you will know where you both stand in each other`s lives.

On the other hand we have women who ‘try things out` with people of the opposite sex and during the time of getting to know one another one realizes that they have been too long in that phase and even after months and years on end there has never been a moment where both parties sat together and mapped a way forward in their relationships.

That is where people miss it. Love is not a game. Stop playing it. There are no rules and regulations…and there is no formula. But like a journey embarked on it requires one thing-direction! 

If there is no direction there will be pot holes, a speed bump, gravel and smooth surfaces of the road which will both test and grow the relationship…but if there is no preparation on the part of the duo, then who will account for the challenges, the shortcomings, how will you embrace change, and appreciate good and bad moments together if the relationship was never defined?

That is how people hurt others. It is easy to walk away from a relationship that was never defined even after years together, children and house… but one that had direction and a purpose…. you just don`t walk away from easily… no  matter how harsh the storm and wind that may come.

Take a moment to retrospect and look at yourself and your partner. Look at how far you`ve come…look at where you are now and whether there has been fruit over the period of being together on both sides…and then look at where you are headed. Do it together… It takes two to tango. No man ever danced alone.

Women across the world find themselves in relationships that are undefined for a long time and not knowing whether the person they care about loves them back the same only causes a heavy heart. 

Having to constantly ask yourself whether you are ‘in it` alone or whether the other person will ever meet you halfway as opposed to you always going all the way and hitting a brick wall,,,, may cause a certain level of anxiety.  It`s hard to know whether someone loves you or not…And not having an answer to that question for a long time is a clear indication that something is wrong.

Yet because some people are blinded and overwhelmed by emotions of love they stay unhappy and settle for undefined relationships. They fear that if they ask where the relationship is headed that the truth may not work for them…so they`d rather not know the truth and remain momentarily happy and enduringly anxious.

 I don`t think you should come to a point in your relationship where you are still asking yourself if someone loves you or not…..and the tables turning on you to have to ask them. It should show in the way they treat you and in what they say. I don`t believe you should have to ask someone whether they love you or not. But if needs be…for your own sake and your own closure- Ask!

Actions coupled with words will give you the answer. ..Ladies….Stop settling for a mediocre relationship where you are not sure where you stand…and for your own sake take that leap of faith to establish where the relationship is going. Don`t be afraid to take initiative and ask. You do not want to be sowing seeds in a ground not conducive and deep enough for the plant to grow. 

Like a sailing ship on vast waters, if there is no map or direction the ship will eventually lose its way, or hit an iceberg and ultimately sink. Don`t sit in a ship, waiting for it to sink, don`t be comfortable in a relationship that has no direction all because you are afraid that you won`t have many options if you opt out. The truth is the ‘option` you are settling for isn`t even worth your time.

Being patient when it comes to matters of the heart is okay sometimes, but not when the basis of this virtue is validated by your level of ignorance and gullibility. If you are in a directionless relationship….take initiative now and find out where it is taking you…and if it doesn`t have direction…Get out!  Do all you can to define your relationship if you aren`t certain where it is going. 

We all need to come to a place in our hearts where love is not just a feeling… not just something that we take lightly. If a man loves you …as a woman you will know… and if he doesn`t you will know.

Do not find yourself making excuses for him and buying time when you have no time. Quit trying to convince yourself that he loves you when he hasn`t made an effort to say it or show it. As a woman you are phenomenal…accept that God given quality.

Embrace it…and never allow yourself to have to pull petals from a flower to determine how someone feels about you. You deserve so much better! Do you know why….Because God made it so! Period. ENDS

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