Cohabitation

Source : Kutlwano

Author : Baleseng Batlotleng

Location : Gaborone

Event : Interview

Tshepo lives with her boyfriend in a one roomed rented house in Gaborone West. Life is much better than it was previously when she lived with her parents and siblings in Gakuto. Now Tshepo and her live-in partner have so much in common.

For now, what they are grappling with are issues that most newlyweds deal with but at the same time working on those that come with any intimate relationship. It has been nine years since they had been seriously dating. They are finding creative ways to make use of all their space, learning about each other`s habits, and even adjusting to the new schedules in their house ever since Tshepo moved in six months ago. They are not married.

Tshepo`s example mirrors what has now become a common trend amongst the youthful populace in urban areas, cohabitation, an arrangement where two people who are not married live together in an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship on a long-term or permanent basis.

“Dikgang tseo rra tsa batho ba nna botlhe ba sa nyalana re kopana le tsone tsatsi le letsatsi. Fa ba setse batla go kgaogana ba ne ba nna botlhe go lwelwa dithoto. Yo o tlogelwang o tlaa bo a re dilwana tse re di rekile rotlhe le ene a batla seabe sa gagwe,” Gaborone West Phase 4 court president, Graham Hambira, explains of the revolting battles that often follow when cohabiting partners break-up.

He notes that in the unfortunate incident of death the two parties` families are often torn apart by inheritance battles. “Yoo setseng mo botshelong batsadi ba gagwe ba re dithoto ke tsa gagwe le ba yo o tlhokafetseng ba re ke tsa ngwana wa bone. Ga ntsi re dirisa bosupi mo ditshekong mme fa e le gore ba ne bana le bana jaaka e le tsamaiso ya melao ya Setswana re neela bana boswa joo,” reckons Hambira.

Kgosi Hambira notes cohabitation as an emerging trend in urban areas where the cost of living is too high. He says young couples move in together as a way to complement each other, an arrangement they see as cheaper and convenient. Nevertheless, Kgosi explains that it comes with its demerits and sometimes is a catch 22 situation.

“Fa motho wa teng a nyetswe abo lenyalo le nna le dibelebejana fa gongwe go e tle gotwe o ne a mo nyalela eng ka bofefo mme nako tse dingwe fa banna botlhe ba sa nyalana abo mathata a tlhagoga go tlaa abo gotwe o ne a ya go nnela eng le ene a sa mo nyala,” says the tribesman.

Does society view cohabitants as people who have rejected marriage or whether still intending to marry in future? Outgoing president of Botswana Social Workers Association, Kgomotso Jongman, highlights that cohabitants are in two folds, the first group is the one which believes that marriage is expensive and why bother marry if u have someone staying with you already.

The second group believes that you need to take some time to know your partner.“We are not supposed to always compare the two, they all have their advantages and disadvantages. The moral fabric of society has been eroded that is why marriage no longer holds significance. Cohabitation does not weaken marriage and we need to have laws regulating cohabitation.

We need legislation for cohabitation to curb looming disputes during death. For children, the Children`s Act covers a lot of ground for them,” says Jongman. Pastor Lot Motlaleng of God`s House International Ministries explains that cohabitation is a violation of biblical sexual ethics. “The church doesn`t allow people to stay together outside marriage. It is totally not within the Christian principles. Of course courtship is there in church but we disapprove of sex outside marriage,” says Motlaleng.

Scripture is clear in its condemnation of fornication. Ephesians 5:3 reads; “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God`s holy people” while 1 Corinthians 7:2 reads; “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband” amongst other verses from the Holy Bible.

Many men of cloth like Pastor Motlaleng strongly believe marriage is a gift from God and cannot be substituted adequately with cohabitation.How do others view cohabitation especially those who are living single? A Gaborone resident, Annelyn Kuhlmann, views cohabitants as people in “desperate want” to get married- especially women.

“They see it as a pre- marriage thing and thus build their hopes around such as the next obvious step. Even if they have intentions to marry some day, men, however, use this to test compatibility before making any commitment which might never come to surface,” explains Annelyn. “More and more people are settling into these self-styled marriages because they are not expected to commit.

The financial and social independence means singled choices and decisions thus break-ups mean a simple walk off than the toll of divorce formalities that comes with marriage,” she adds. Some believe that you would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first so that you could find out whether you really get along while some have a strong conviction that couples who cohabit before marriage tend to be less satisfied with their marriages and more likely to divorce in future.

Research has shown that women are likely to view cohabitation as a step towards marriage while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment that comes along with marriage life. Ends