Making the most out of a painful experience

Source : KUTLWANO

Author : Lucretia Chima

Location : GABORONE

Event : Lifestyle feature

Article: Lucretia Chima

Photo: Gothusang Lesego 

& Felicity Male

A proud young man boasts having been in the delivery room three times, having been there to welcome his children and as a gesture that fathers too are an integral part of their children`s lives. 

Lunga was thrown into the deep end after he lost his mother at a tender age of 13. He had to mature quickly to fend for himself. With little time to mourn his mother and having to deal with dropping performance at school coupled with his father remarrying, the situation became more complicated. 

Now a married man and father of three, Lunga is on a mission to craft better fathers whom their children can look up to as role models. Des as he fondly known is founder of an organisation called Men and Boys for Gender Equality, which strives to engage men in gender transformation issues as well as reduce HIV/AIDS and promote healthy lifestyle for both men and women. 

The year-old organisation offers its services for free. It operates with five permanent staff members and three volunteers. “Our society has a negative influence in the upbringing of men hence there is a dearth of positive role models and you hear things like monna ke ntsa (a man is a dog), but that is wrong,” charges Des. He laments that some men believe such stereotypes hence fail to influence their male children positively. His mission is to change this.

 “The Bible states that a man is the head of the family but look at the kind of fathers we have, good at mocking and ridiculing girls who put on miniskirts,” quips Des. “It saddens me that instead of protecting their young ones, they are the ones perpetrating violence.”

Currently, Men and Boys has two father groups who educate men on women and children`s rights. The group sessions help men to improve on issues of communication, amongst other things. 

“We want men who are able to love without buying love. A lot of men think that buying a woman a rose shows affection. They do not know that sitting and chatting to the loved ones is invaluable,” advises Des. 

He says men are usually poor communicators. Consequently, they help them to improve on various issues such as planning their lives including having children and also to be open about health issues affecting them. The gender activist says he observed that when a child`s parent dies, they are usually expected to get over the loss without any help such as counselling yet they are the most affected. 

Des says the worst is when a new man or woman enters their lives. “I for instance was not ready for a step mother and I was never consulted. I just met my new mom in the house. Such things contribute to raising bitter and angry children. That is not healthy at all as it pushes the child to grow overnight and be independent, and such could be dangerous,” explains Des. He adds that his father sent him for counselling when his school performance had already dropped, something that could have been avoided. 

 Although everyone is free to fall in love again, it should be noted that all are not equal in terms of finance, among other things. “I want other men to know that we can be better parents, being hands on in your child`s life from pregnancy till the last day they leave the house to be on their own,” he cautions.

Des declares that they have realised that men are not informed about their rights, and says they are also victims of abuse. “Men, unlike women, die in silence and we want to break that silence. We have a number of cases reported to our office in which men are paying maintenance yet denied visitations.” 

The Men and Boys head states that visitation is a right that every parent should enjoy. Their organisation`s desire is for fathers to play their roles such as spending time and teaching their children meaningful things. He says they do not want women to treat men as cash cows. “Some men didn`t know that they can also have custody of their children and have the woman pay maintenance.”   

He states that most cases they deal with include custody and paternity issues. “Paternity cases are a common scenario and in most cases these are initiated by women.  For instance, a man would be paying maintenance for years, once the woman gets a new lover, she claims that the child is not the man`s, something that really frustrates most men,” reveals Des.

 He says in some instances a man would pay for damages, an indication that he is accepting the child but once the woman gets married she does not inform the child`s father that the new man wants to marry her with the child. Desmond says such is provided for in the Children`s Act, that the woman should seek consent of the child`s father. 

Desmond says although they have not attained total transformation there is hope. The media especially Btv and radio stations has brought a lot of attention to such issues, he adds. His organisation is aligned to Men Engaged Africa, a global network formed by various NGOs working with men. 

Desmond says although they want to embark on various outreach programmes, lack of sponsorship is still a hindrance. Most financiers, he says want to fund organs dealing with women and children. “I hope they will realise that for men to promote women and children`s rights, the men have to be first empowered.” ENDS

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